Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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