Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
