i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
