i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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