Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
It's rum buckets o'clock
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
