does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
