I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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