My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
