even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
