it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
