a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I wish they made helmets for livers.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Hippo gnu deer
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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