the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
