Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
