So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
