is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
