Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
