If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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