when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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