Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
A bitchslap is in order.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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