The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
