I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
