Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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