i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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