So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
