I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We just shotgunned beers for America
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
