Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
