living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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