Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
