Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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