my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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