Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Randomize
