How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
