There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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