Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
