I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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