I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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