Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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