i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
