why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
