I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
