i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
