so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
