well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
