last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
