even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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