I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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