end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
