I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
