My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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