I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
